Crash

Last night at 10:30 I hear a terrific crash in my garage. My ladder fell off the wall and literally landed 2 inches from my new car. 2 INCHES.

I'm not making it up. Here's a photo:



I tell this story to a few co-workers this morning near our coffee machine. And GUESS WHAT one of the responses HAD to be...

"Well someone up there sure was looking out for you!"

Yes indeed. God in his infinite wisdom, majesty, and grace went forth, eschewed the standard pleas from suffering masses of starving children and dying retches, and STOPPED A LADDER FROM HITTING THE HOOD OF MY CAR.

And you ask me why I think religion is silly.

I know, I know, she was just making an off-handed comment about how lucky I was.

But it certainly indicates something deeper at work.

In other news, I am eating a bean burrito. So you see where I am standing on the weight of this issue.

The one where we catch up

Hi. It's been a while.
Man, you look great.
Sorry I haven't complained about anything to you for so long. I will try to catch you up to all the wonderful and exciting stuff that has been going on in my life as of late.

Very little.

My Lovely Wife™ and I spent the Memorial Day Weekend mostly on our hands and knees in our yard. My garden now boasts green peppers, tomatoes, assorted herbs and spices, and a patch of mystery gourds: the result of my throwing a rotting bucket of Thanksgiving Day centerpiece offal into the planter as fertilizer and watching it go nuts.

I also got a path laid out from my back porch to my garden and it is pine-bark-a-fied. Progress has never looked so square!

My Lovely Wife™ spent her time in the front yard digging and weeding and setting up our front beds to look nice and proper. While doing so, she slathered suntan lotion on every visible inch of her body... except for her lower back. Fun fact about My Lovely Wife™: when she works, she looks like a sexy plumber... complete with an exposed lower back and a pretty impressive view of whatever panties she happens to be wearing that day.

After four hours in the sun, she has earned a pretty ridiculous-looking sunburn. It looks like two parenthesis if they were sideways. Turn your head and look at this: ( ) ... now picture it being cooked-lobster red and right above My Lovely Wife's shapely fanny.

She's in a lot of pain. I think it's hilarious. Mostly because I'm a jerk.

The up-side? I get to smear aloe and lotion all over my wife's butt about 6 times a day. EVERYBODY WINS!

In other news, there IS no other news. See why I haven't written? My life is too boring for you to be interested in.

Now kindly stop thinking about My Lovely Wife™'s lower back.

The Blog Where I Get Political, Part I

We are 6 months away and I am already sick of this shit.

I just spent a mere 10 minutes on YouTube, listening to left-wing and right-wing dipsticks take a grand shit all over each other in order to get the world out that anyone who might ascend to the White House next year is going to pretty much trigger an apocalypse.

All I can say at this point is this:

SHADDUP! SHADDUP SHADDUP SHADDUP!!

No matter who wins the election: we will be better off than we have been for the last eight years.

My name is Ryan Williams and I endorse this message.

OH! Our homeowners association had their annual meeting last night. There were two spots open on the board and I got nominated and elected. It's incredibly strange to me- thinking that I am a board-member of an organization. Those guys are in for a hell of a lot of trouble.

Civic Duty

Enter Ezra
Originally uploaded by Rwilliams718

Friday My Lovely Wife™ and I found ourselves over at the local Honda dealership.

She bought a Civic 3 or 4 years ago, based mostly on Consumer Reports' recommendation. I have been jealous of it for quite a while, as I have been driving an Exorcist-puke-green Nissan Sentra since '03 and I hate it. 'Solange' was clunky, she creaked, and her belts and joints were starting to slip.

We do most of our traveling in my car, because I am a control freak and I prefer to drive (also because My Lovely Wife™ drives like she's living in an incarnation of Grand Theft Auto... and yes, I have seen her actually kill a hooker who just restored her heart meter to 100%... IN REAL LIFE) we end up putting the bulk of our mileage onto whatever I am currently in charge of.

So when our booger-green/gold Nissan was flirting with 100,000 miles, I started to get antsy about getting a new car. A NEW car. I'm 33 years old and I have been driving used ones since I was 16. NEW. No miles on it. A car where the first seat-cushion fart will be MINE.

There's something that you should know about My Lovely Wife™, when it comes to making a major purchase; she's very difficult to convince. She will go without buying microwave popcorn if it is more than $3 a box. Any mention of spending a few hundred on a TV set or a new lens for my camera sends her into overdrive.

BUT- she IS an accountant. And one thing that an accountant can never resist is a low interest rate.

Seriously. Draw a pentagram onto your floor with a stick of chalk. Drop a slide-rule on the north point and write "4.7% APR for 30 Months" in the center of it. My wife will appear in your home with a burning ledger in her left hand and a roll of adding machine tape in her right.

She had NO intention of letting us get a new car this weekend. But we test drove 3 or 4 of them anyway, just to get a feel.

When the Honda dealership offered her 2.9% Financing for a 2008 Civic or Accord, her eyes popped out of her skull and her hair stood on end.

For normal people, I am just trying to explain that we got a hell of a deal.

I picked the 08' Civic EX. Its' not as 'showy' (read: vain) as the Accord. But it's packed with features and it's the sexiest gray/silver/charcoal color ever made. Our guy 'gave' us the sun roof visor, door guards, splash guards and trunk liner for free, and I spent an hour scraping the double pinstripe off the sides of it, because pin stripes are dumb.

It's a fucking awesome car.

I call it Ezra. Because I name my stuff.

Ryan's happy.

Coffee Break

Ha!

Someone at work is hilarious.

I don't know if this is an old thing and if I have just never seen it before, but I was grabbing coffee in my break room a few minutes ago and I was staring blankly at the 'you have to post this in your work area break room' board. You know the 'how to help a choking guy out' poster?

Someone (brilliantly) put this on it (click for big):



Like I said, I dunno if this is an old internet meme that I missed or if it's just someone's subtle attempt at humor.

If so, whomever it is in my office who is fucking funny enough to put that on the poster and not draw attention to it: I salute you!