Lunch

I am 2o pounds overweight. I was 30 pounds overweight and I dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks thanks to a system that actually works, called Not Eating Like A Fucking Pig And Taking A Jog Once And A While. But the last few weeks I have been slacking and lazy and I can feel the fat starting to climb back on. And that sucks. But what sucks worse is being hungry, so off I went.

If you don't have a Harris Teeter in your region, you have something close to it, at least. Harris Teeter is a high-class supermarket. The kind with a deli and a 210-foot salad bar and employees who don't look like they are counting the minutes until they can go out by the loading dock and smoke. Every weekday the deli at HT offers working stiffs like myself a 6-inch deli-made sandwich for only $2.99. Want a footlong? Add two bucks. What a deal!

MY PLAN: Go to HT. Get a 6-inch. Grab a salad at the bar. Go light on the dressing. Feel thin.

THE EXECUTION: Go to HT. See that they special of the day is a meatball sub. Go for the foot-long. Eat it at your desk in less than 10 minutes. Feel your stomach go from a gentle slope to a beachball. Suck down a Dr. Pepper, because nothing says "fatty" like extra air in your stomach.

And JUST as I am downing the last bite, the very MOMENT that I am thinking "So what if I feel a little fat today? I can suck in my belly if anyone important comes around"... that's when it happens.

My morsel of bread and tomato sauce goes rogue.

Boy let me tell you! Nothing in the world says "FAT FUCK" like a splotch of deep red tomato sauce and grease at the most swollen point on your torso.

The fucking diet starts tomorrow.