10 REASONS WHY GREASE 2 IS THE LOUSIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME

LOUSY. Not "bad". I'm not talking about The Worst Movie Of All Time. To qualify for that, the cinematography needs to be terrible, the acting atrocious, the script ludicrous and the overall finished product has to be certifiably inept.

GREASE 2 is terrible, but the actors can act and the pictures are pretty. This doesn't excuse it from being a truly lousy movie. Easily the lousiest movie I have ever seen. What adds insult to injury here is the fact that I am positive I have seen this steaming pile of otter droppings at least 20 times. It was a programming mainstay on HBO in the early 80's. I know the thing better than the original.

And for the record; the original GREASE isn't that great, either. It's a 70's movie about the late 50's that looks and feels like a 70's movie about the late 50's. It's dopey and goofy and hyper-silly but it KNOWS that and it's okay with it. GREASE was and is an okay movie. Watchable Pith. GREASE 2 is not. Here's ten reasons why.

10- Bikes instead of hot rods.

Okay, fine- we need to be progressive and all, but in 1961 motorcycles weren't as nutty and crazy as they were about to become, and the idea of making the T-Birds a motorcycle gang would be fine if they were an actual gang, and not four ineffectual dopes who are ahead of their time in terms of what they are riding. The inclusion of motorcycles is symbolic of every other misstep the movie makes with its' choices: they don't fit and they are included in order to amp up the 'Cool Kitsch' factor from the original. Bowling, a bomb shelter, a talent show and a luau are right there alongside the motorcycle concept: set pieces and kitsch that is supposed to make us "remember when" but instead embarrasses the piss out of us. This is what happens when someone who hasn't lived through the 50's and 60's wants to make a sequel to a movie that was made by folks who haven't lived through the 50's and 60's either. I wasn't even a twinkle in my pappy's eye in 1961 and even I can see through this horse shit.

9- Lorna Luft channeling Marilyn Monroe.

GET IT?! SHE'S MARILYN MONROE BECAUSE MARILYN MONROE WAS A BIG DEAL BACK THEN!! SHE IS EVEN DAFFY AND UBER-SEXY LIKE MONROE WAS! OMG OMG OMG! (head explodes). Lorna Luft is Judy Garland's daughter. She's Liza's half-sister. She's also nowhere near as subtle or talented as Marilyn Monroe. And when she was researching the part, it's a little obvious that she didn't watch a single Marilyn Monroe movie. Or study acting. Or singing. But we will get to that later.

8- The whole cast has no idea who Maxwell Caulfield is. Why? Because he is wearing goggles. Brilliant.

I know I am picking at nits here, but come on: the plot is shoestring and dreams enough as it is- when you are dealing with a sequel that is pretty much rehashing the original, and your only hook is to switch genders and play the "mistaken identity" card, you NEED to do better than to put Maxwell Caulfield in a fucking pair of goggles and send him into a parking lot to do wheelies.

This all goes towards my original complaint listed in #10. When you need to fill a musical out you rely on convention, and when you are trying to beat your original box office take you grab those conventions and you hold them down and hump them until they beg for mercy. So we have the lover's triangle, we have the unrequited infatuation, we have the "pretending to be someone I am not just to win my lover's favor". We have terrible movie-making.

7- Stunt casting.

Not necessarily bringing back the tiny handful of actors who appeared in the original (although we will roast that chestnut over the coals in a few as well, I promise). This is more geared towards Connie Stevens as Miss Mason, a steamy, goodie-goodie sexpot teacher with a sorority-girl demeanor and a cougar-in-waiting mentality lurking in the shadows.

It's not even so much as the decision to cast a celebrity from this era in the film that bothers me as much as how they make her so damn savvy. She knows what the boys who oggle her are after. That's no fun. Nobody's intentions are right in this thing. What the hells is the backstory deal with Principal McGee having dinners over at Johnny's house? Where did this personal pride she has for these boys come from? And what the living fuck is going on at the talent show? What school has a talent show this elaborate?! Fuck this movie.

6- Seriously. The talent show? Jesus fucking Christ.

5- Michelle Pfeiffer sings like she has a dying cat in her throat.

When Michelle Pfeiffer went on to star in THE FABULOUS BAKER BOYS, she made a point of sharing the fact that she was brought through extensive voice training lessons in order to pull off the role. Know why? Because everybody heard that she sang her own songs in the movie and immediately remembered seeing her at the top of a ladder singing "Cool Rider" in GREASE 2. Holy shitballs, she's the star of the movie and if she isn't flat then she's sharp.

4- Somebody thought that Adrian Zmed would be a good "Johnny" because he played "Danny" on Broadway.

If I told you that Russel Crowe was going to be playing Divine in a John Water's biography because Crowe played Frank N Furter in Australia's ROCKY HORROR cast you'd shake your head at me and tell me to get out of your bathroom while you are in there. I don't have a point here, by now I am just typing so my co-workers think I am doing actual work. Oooh! Cake!

3- Those twins.

Actually, the entire supporting cast. And by "supporting cast" I mean everyone who shows up and does complicated dance numbers and generally tries to lend a air of "big fat fuckin' musical" to the production. That whole sequence where the entire cast sings about reproduction? It's 55 minutes long. 48 minutes of it is devoted to adorable side-glances and eye-rolls by the supporting cast. I timed it. I did it for you.

2- Bringing back Didi Conn and The Ugly Fucker.

Because people will relate more if they see Didi Conn and The Ugly Fucker. You know, they were in the first movie. And now they are back in this sequel! So remember them? Are you enjoying this thing any more than you would be if they weren't in it? Okay. Incidentally, Eve Arden and Blanche get a passing grade because... well... come on... it's Eve Arden. And Blanche.

1- The god... damned... MUSIC...

GREASE had a pretty damn good soundtrack. It was a nice mix of late-1950's doo-wop, bop and rock 'n roll, and it all worked. Know why it worked? Because it was music for a Broadway show and it had years and years of talent behind it. Even with adding 70's pop tunes in there for John and Olivia to sing- it all worked. The songs were GOOD.

The songs in GREASE 2 are horrible. Sincerely terrible. Incredibly bad. There are 13 musical numbers in the entire film and each one is overloaded with nonsense-lyrics, ridiculous subjects, and the worst thing of all: melodies that refuse to leave your skull, long after you have walked away from the TV set. There's no crime against humming "Hopelessly Devoted" while you are driving to work. But getting "Let's Do It For Our Country" stuck in your head will make you want to gouge your eardrums with an icepick. Hearing and re-hearing the chrous of "Girl For All Seasons" while you are walking out to pick up the mail just might provoke you into walking out into traffic. The music is catchy, light and fluffy, and fucking terrible.

Man, this movie sucks. It sucks hard. This is a movie that you are embarassed to watch even when you are watching it alone. God forbid you manage to catch a few minutes of it when you are surfing channels and someone walks into the room. You'd rather be caught masturbating than admitting that you were watching a full-blown musical number about bowling called "Score Tonight".

I think that the most heinous of crimes committed in GREASE 2 is the movie's sense of showmanship. GREASE 2 encompasses and displays the enthusiasm and jazz-hands of every 14 year-old tap dance class ingenue. It has the grace and poise of every Senior High School Play you ever had to sit through. Everything about it is mediocre, but it plays out as if it is a blockbuster of epic proportions. I strongly believe that Michael Bay watches it and says "YES! THAT IS MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT!" There is a remarkably large difference between a crappy movie that isn't up to snuff because it is overblown and over-enthusiastic and a movie that sucks because it is a piece of shit. GREASE 2 lives in the valley between.

Yes, I own it on DVD. Fuck you.