Thursday, December 04, 2008

Lunch

I am 2o pounds overweight. I was 30 pounds overweight and I dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks thanks to a system that actually works, called Not Eating Like A Fucking Pig And Taking A Jog Once And A While. But the last few weeks I have been slacking and lazy and I can feel the fat starting to climb back on. And that sucks. But what sucks worse is being hungry, so off I went.

If you don't have a Harris Teeter in your region, you have something close to it, at least. Harris Teeter is a high-class supermarket. The kind with a deli and a 210-foot salad bar and employees who don't look like they are counting the minutes until they can go out by the loading dock and smoke. Every weekday the deli at HT offers working stiffs like myself a 6-inch deli-made sandwich for only $2.99. Want a footlong? Add two bucks. What a deal!

MY PLAN: Go to HT. Get a 6-inch. Grab a salad at the bar. Go light on the dressing. Feel thin.

THE EXECUTION: Go to HT. See that they special of the day is a meatball sub. Go for the foot-long. Eat it at your desk in less than 10 minutes. Feel your stomach go from a gentle slope to a beachball. Suck down a Dr. Pepper, because nothing says "fatty" like extra air in your stomach.

And JUST as I am downing the last bite, the very MOMENT that I am thinking "So what if I feel a little fat today? I can suck in my belly if anyone important comes around"... that's when it happens.

My morsel of bread and tomato sauce goes rogue.

Boy let me tell you! Nothing in the world says "FAT FUCK" like a splotch of deep red tomato sauce and grease at the most swollen point on your torso.

The fucking diet starts tomorrow.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Oh My! Aren't We Edgy! We're Willing To Lampoon Ourselves!

The best way for me to explain to you how I feel about this article is to paint you a mental picture, if I may.

Let's say that you have a lovely home. Let's say that the house is very large, very modern, and people from all over come and see it because it's just that damn fine. There is marble everywhere and the crown molding is perfect. The bathrooms have those goofy doohickeys that clean your butt off for you when you are done doing your business. The front door is rounded, like the doorways in The Simpsons. And there are lovely plants and sculptures throughout.

Oh, and there is a dead, rotting dog in the middle of the kitchen.

Don't make any mistake about it: the kitchen is all stainless steel and the counter tops are granite, but there's also a 200-pound dead St. Bernard on the floor. He's been there for weeks and he's bloated and gray and there is a nest of mice living in what used to be the dog's ass.

That's not the entire portrait I need to paint for you, but it's a start. The point of the portrait is that there is a family who lives in that house and accepts visitors from all over the world to enjoy it and be entertained by that house, but for some reason... even though the smell of the big dead rotting dog makes people gag and hork... nobody mentions it or even refers to it being there when they walk through the house!

Then suddenly... with no warning or explanation as to why... the owner of the house walks into the kitchen one day... a kitchen that he has been walking through for years... and without any sort of logic behind it he suddenly slaps his palms on his cheeks and his eyes bug out and he says "Oh my god! There's a dead dog in here!"

It annoys the shit out of me when Hollywood seems to come across as if they don't know that they are a shallow, self-obsessed, money-hungry, condescending entity with little to no regard for anything that is NOT superficial or trite.

It annoys m even more when they act like it's news.

Make no mistake: CNN isn't digging into this investigation because they have stumbled across a soon-to-be-released feature film that satirizes Hollywood. This "Oh My, Aren't We Edgy" news was spoon-fed to them by the studio releasing this thing. And that makes it worse because what they are trying to do is drum up business for a movie that otherwise won't make money based on its' merits as a film.

Condescending self-awareness in the face of the obvious is a terrible trait that rarely does any real good. Think back to the mid 90's when Johnathan Demme shat out the steaming turd that was PHILADELPHIA. The movie sucked balls. The screenplay was pandering and arthritic, and the focus of the whole thing was to make you feel sorry for people with AIDS. Which you shouldn't have to depend on a movie to do anyway.

On a side note, I can recall sitting in a packed movie theater watching a rail-thin Tom Hanks collapse out of the witness chair and unintentionally letting out a snorting guffaw of amazement that a 'major studio release' had the gall to stoop that low. I was treated to a stern "You must be Satan" gaze from the blue-haired Jewish lady in front of me for that one. Sorry.

A movie shouldn't try to drum up press for itself for being controversial unless it actually IS a controversial movie. And in that case, the studio doesn't need to do the work because some other useless organization that wants attention will step in to field that. For every AMERICAN PSYCHO and KITE RUNNER (both had ad campaigns and publicity junkets that claimed that the studio itself is worried about the effects of it's impending release upon the general public) there are SCADS of legitimately good films that will draw flack from controversy for simply being (see: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, A CLOCKWORK ORANGE).

But to be so self-effacing and gregarious as to try to drum up wobbly controversy regarding a Hollywood movie that might... heaven forbid... poke fun at Hollywood movies... and to act as if that might be a sin in the eyes of the system... as if nobody would have ever noticed that The Industry might have more than a few exploitable flaws... as if THIS is the movie that is going to open one's eyes to the self-absorbed underbelly that IS 'Hollywood'...

Pathetic.

Quick game for you to try playing: Come up with some big studio movies about making movies that don't make cartoon characters out of its' stars. Come up with some independent movies about making movies that don't come across as bitter and angry with how Hollywood treats itself. I get as close as SUNSET BLVD before I give up. And that movie is 60 years old.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Marcello...

A McTale

In an effort to NOT appear as a conglomerate that doesn’t give a damn about the common consumer, McDonald’s Corporation has been rolling out an interesting option to their franchises over the past few weeks. They call them “The Manager’s Specials”. The logic behind it is that McDonald’s will look more like a non-corporate, non-by-the-book cancer factory and more like a big, lucky company that has a LOT of stores but who gives their local managers some leeway with the menu.

They destroy this concept by printing and selling six-foot-by-four-foot full-color posters that advertise the manager’s specials on them, along with giant photos of whatever heart-attack-in-a-bag you happen to be able to purchase for a reasonable fee, but that’s not really the point of this tale. I only needed to mention that the Manager’s Specials are in play in order for you to appreciate the following true story.

Our local McDonald’s is pretty heavy on the Mexican and pretty light on the “Ugh” factor. The “Ugh” factor usually consists of phantom poopie smells when you walk in and a general sense that you just missed the cockroach parade. I work in Brentwood, which is a pretty nice part of Nashville, and the McDonald’s is in pretty good shape. It’s forgivable that our servers don’t speak English because at least there isn’t a sticky floor is what I am saying. Stay with me, I’m almost ready to start making sense.

This week’s “Manager’s Special” is a doozy. TWO Triple Cheeseburgers for ONLY $3.15. Yes indeed! For only Three dollars and fifteen sense you can enjoy SIX all-beef patties smothered in pickles, re-hyrdated onions and processed cheeze-food. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE’S ME SOME CHOLESTEROL, so I am all for the deal. The only problem is that I don’t like cheese on my burgers. There’s something about the gooey, slimy, tangy taste of the slices of cheeze-food that McDonald’s has opted to use on their products that reminds me of industrial lubricant. The cheeze-food they use is more adhesive than Super-Glue. I defy you to pry a bun off of a freshly-served cheebooga from The Scottish Bastard without ripping it’s underside off. It’s not natural, I tell you. Not a bit. What I am trying to say is that I am not a fan of cheese from McDonald’s. I only hope I have made my point.

In the past, I have ordered a double-cheeseburger and asked them to “hold the cheese” and I have encountered no problems at all, apart from an occasional funny look. It’s an understandable request; I want all the benefits that twice the meat will offer me, but without the messy, sticky goo. A double cheeseburger with no cheese? Comin’ right up, pal! Thanks for shopping American!

But nothing could prepare my server for a request to hold the cheese on a TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER MANAGER’S SPECIAL.

I literally blew his circuits. I asked for the Two-Triple-Cheeseburger-Special with NO cheese and my Latin friend went blank and all the life drained from his eyes. I might as well have said that I didn’t think 2 Fast, 2 Furious was a very good movie. Or that some companies offer insurance and dental care. Or that you don’t need tinfoil to cook food on a grill.

He was really shocked, that’s all I am trying to say.

He was SO shocked, in fact, that he spent the next TWO SOLID MINUTES trying to type this into his food-ordering-thingy. Every twenty seconds he would raise his head back up and say “Okay... two triple cheeseburgers... no cheese?”

“No cheese,” I would reply. “And a 6-piece chicken.”

“No cheese?” He’d ask again, in awe and wonder.

“No cheese, and a 6-piece chicken.”

That happened every twenty seconds. For two minutes.

A few minutes later, I got my to-go bag. I didn’t remember to ask for it “to-go”, and I am quite familiar with McDonald’s unwritten policy of sending lunatics and homeless people on their way without a tray, so I let it slide.

I DID, however, want some sauces with my McNuggets.

Oh- hold on, I guess I should cover my reasoning and logic behind why I ordered TWO TRIPLE CHEESEBURGERS WITHOUT CHEESE and IN ADDITION, a 6-piece order of Chicken McNuggets.

I am a fat fucking pig, that’s why. Ok, let’s move on...

So my server, who has spent MORE than enough time judging me, hands me a bag with my food in it and says “Thank you”. It is a known fact that it is impossible to eat Chicken McNuggets without sauce. It can’t be done. My sauces of preference? For the last 20 years it can only be One Barbecue and One Hot Mustard, please.
Marcello looks temporarily pained, opens my bag, reaches under the counter, and shoves his hand into my bag in a gesture of full pleasure to be serving such an upstanding and undemanding client. Then he very quickly turns his attention to the incredibly busty and financially questionable Latin-American Mom standing behind me. I leave the establishment.

Here’s where it gets awesome.

Back in the office, I open my bag and plunge a hand into its steamy depths, and I retrieve the first of my two Cheese-Free-Triple Cheeseburgers.

You know, the one that is COVERED in cheese.

Frustration rising, I dive into the bag again and pull out the second burger. THIS one has so much cheese on it that it is almost impossible to separate it from the paper it is wrapped in.

MAAAAAARCELLLLLOOOOOOO!

It finally dawns on me how all this went down. My dude is behind a counter, working his ass off and hating every second of his life, and I stroll in and make a completely unreasonable demand for a cheese-free namesake. He can’t find the buttons on his amazing ordering device and after TWO FULL MINUTES, he just says “fuck it” and decides I will be better off if he ignores my request completely. I can confirmed this by looking and the receipt and noticing that there is no account of “no cheese” on it. Marcello knew what was best for me. I can’t possibly fault him for THAT.

But here’s the best part...

The best part is that I decide to forgo the cheeseburger experience and I toss them aside... “oh well, I think to myself. I didn’t really need two goddamn burgers AND Chicken McNuggets. I am supposed to be watching my weight as it is.

I know you are thinking that this ends with Marcello not giving me my chicken. Oh no, no the 6-piece was in there all right. Right on the bottom of the bag, all by itself.

Not a damn sauce packet in sight.

I wish you were there when I asked for the 2 sauces so you would believe me when I tell you that I LITERALLY WITNESSED MY SERVER PRETENDING TO INCLUDE SAUCE PACKS IN MY BAG JUST SO I WOULD GO AWAY.

I can’t stress this visual enough! I was LOOKING across the counter to the prep area and I PHYSICALLY SAW several packs of sauce in containers back there. I ASKED my harried server for a couple of them and he REACHES below the counter as if he is grabbing some (All the while I am thinking “Oh, he must have a supply of them under there as well so he doesn’t have to turn around”)... and he MIMICS PUTTING CONTAINERS OF SAUCE INTO MY BAG.

Marcello... YOU are the Manager’s Special in MY book.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Geeker


Geeker 'Mudd' The Cat
October, 1995 - June, 2008

"Shrewd Confident, Soft Companion, and Mighty Conqueror Of Squeeky Rubber Mice"

I miss you a lot, buddy. You were a really good cat.


Friday, June 20, 2008

73%

Here's an interesting factoid, according to epidemiologist Elizabeth Pisani, who has devoted her life to studying the AIDS epidemic and its' impact on global societies and culture:

The failure rate of "vows of celibacy" by U.S. teenagers is a little higher than 73%.

73 out of 100 dopey teens who stand up and raise their hand to "God" and pledge that nobody will touch their no-no spots until their wedding nights can't do it.

I mention this statistic for a couple of reasons:

1- The statistic is verified and my source is given (unlike the 90% of you TRUE CHRISTIANS won't be proud enough to pass this dogshit 'Pro God' message on).

2- Most people who hear this act shocked, even though THEY are the same folks who got their bubble burst in the back seat of their Dad's Ford after Homecoming.

3- We live in a culture where sex is the number one selling tool. We've been that way since the 30's. Many would argue that we've been that way since we were cave dwellers. Sex sells, but HAVING sex is a bad thing, kids... so JUST SAY NO.

We're hopeless as a species. I just want you to see that.

Here's another thing to mull over. The person working next to you; whether you are in a cube farm or at the counter at Subway- the person sitting next to you has though about what you are like when you are having sex.

I don't have the data to back that up, but it's true.

And right now, you are returning the favor. Way to go.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Wiener

Photobucket

Friday, May 30, 2008

Crash

Last night at 10:30 I hear a terrific crash in my garage. My ladder fell off the wall and literally landed 2 inches from my new car. 2 INCHES.

I'm not making it up. Here's a photo:

Photobucket

I tell this story to a few co-workers this morning near our coffee machine. And GUESS WHAT one of the responses HAD to be...

"Well someone up there sure was looking out for you!"

Yes indeed. God in his infinite wisdom, majesty, and grace went forth, eschewed the standard pleas from suffering masses of starving children and dying retches, and STOPPED A LADDER FROM HITTING THE HOOD OF MY CAR.

And you ask me why I think religion is silly.

I know, I know, she was just making an off-handed comment about how lucky I was.

But it certainly indicates something deeper at work.

In other news, I am eating a bean burrito. So you see where I am standing on the weight of this issue.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The one where we catch up

Hi. It's been a while.
Man, you look great.
Sorry I haven't complained about anything to you for so long. I will try to catch you up to all the wonderful and exciting stuff that has been going on in my life as of late.

Very little.

My Lovely Wife™ and I spent the Memorial Day Weekend mostly on our hands and knees in our yard. My garden now boasts green peppers, tomatoes, assorted herbs and spices, and a patch of mystery gourds: the result of my throwing a rotting bucket of Thanksgiving Day centerpiece offal into the planter as fertilizer and watching it go nuts.

I also got a path laid out from my back porch to my garden and it is pine-bark-a-fied. Progress has never looked so square!

My Lovely Wife™ spent her time in the front yard digging and weeding and setting up our front beds to look nice and proper. While doing so, she slathered suntan lotion on every visible inch of her body... except for her lower back. Fun fact about My Lovely Wife™: when she works, she looks like a sexy plumber... complete with an exposed lower back and a pretty impressive view of whatever panties she happens to be wearing that day.

After four hours in the sun, she has earned a pretty ridiculous-looking sunburn. It looks like two parenthesis if they were sideways. Turn your head and look at this: ( ) ... now picture it being cooked-lobster red and right above My Lovely Wife's shapely fanny.

She's in a lot of pain. I think it's hilarious. Mostly because I'm a jerk.

The up-side? I get to smear aloe and lotion all over my wife's butt about 6 times a day. EVERYBODY WINS!

In other news, there IS no other news. See why I haven't written? My life is too boring for you to be interested in.

Now kindly stop thinking about My Lovely Wife™'s lower back.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Blog Where I Get Political, Part I

We are 6 months away and I am already sick of this shit.

I just spent a mere 10 minutes on YouTube, listening to left-wing and right-wing dipsticks take a grand shit all over each other in order to get the world out that anyone who might ascend to the White House next year is going to pretty much trigger an apocalypse.

All I can say at this point is this:

SHADDUP! SHADDUP SHADDUP SHADDUP!!

No matter who wins the election: we will be better off than we have been for the last eight years.

My name is Ryan Williams and I endorse this message.

OH! Our homeowners association had their annual meeting last night. There were two spots open on the board and I got nominated and elected. It's incredibly strange to me- thinking that I am a board-member of an organization. Those guys are in for a hell of a lot of trouble.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Civic Duty


Enter Ezra
Originally uploaded by Rwilliams718
Friday My Lovely Wife™ and I found ourselves over at the local Honda dealership.

She bought a Civic 3 or 4 years ago, based mostly on Consumer Reports' recommendation. I have been jealous of it for quite a while, as I have been driving an Exorcist-puke-green Nissan Sentra since '03 and I hate it. 'Solange' was clunky, she creaked, and her belts and joints were starting to slip.

We do most of our traveling in my car, because I am a control freak and I prefer to drive (also because My Lovely Wife™ drives like she's living in an incarnation of Grand Theft Auto... and yes, I have seen her actually kill a hooker who just restored her heart meter to 100%... IN REAL LIFE) we end up putting the bulk of our mileage onto whatever I am currently in charge of.

So when our booger-green/gold Nissan was flirting with 100,000 miles, I started to get antsy about getting a new car. A NEW car. I'm 33 years old and I have been driving used ones since I was 16. NEW. No miles on it. A car where the first seat-cushion fart will be MINE.

There's something that you should know about My Lovely Wife™, when it comes to making a major purchase; she's very difficult to convince. She will go without buying microwave popcorn if it is more than $3 a box. Any mention of spending a few hundred on a TV set or a new lens for my camera sends her into overdrive.

BUT- she IS an accountant. And one thing that an accountant can never resist is a low interest rate.

Seriously. Draw a pentagram onto your floor with a stick of chalk. Drop a slide-rule on the north point and write "4.7% APR for 30 Months" in the center of it. My wife will appear in your home with a burning ledger in her left hand and a roll of adding machine tape in her right.

She had NO intention of letting us get a new car this weekend. But we test drove 3 or 4 of them anyway, just to get a feel.

When the Honda dealership offered her 2.9% Financing for a 2008 Civic or Accord, her eyes popped out of her skull and her hair stood on end.

For normal people, I am just trying to explain that we got a hell of a deal.

I picked the 08' Civic EX. Its' not as 'showy' (read: vain) as the Accord. But it's packed with features and it's the sexiest gray/silver/charcoal color ever made. Our guy 'gave' us the sun roof visor, door guards, splash guards and trunk liner for free, and I spent an hour scraping the double pinstripe off the sides of it, because pin stripes are dumb.

It's a fucking awesome car.

I call it Ezra. Because I name my stuff.

Ryan's happy.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Coffee Break

Ha!

Someone at work is hilarious.

I don't know if this is an old thing and if I have just never seen it before, but I was grabbing coffee in my break room a few minutes ago and I was staring blankly at the 'you have to post this in your work area break room' board. You know the 'how to help a choking guy out' poster?

Someone (brilliantly) put this on it (click for big):

Photobucket

Like I said, I dunno if this is an old internet meme that I missed or if it's just someone's subtle attempt at humor.

If so, whomever it is in my office who is fucking funny enough to put that on the poster and not draw attention to it: I salute you!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

That's Four...



Four years ago Alison and I got into the car and took off to Florida. We go to Destin just about every year and sit on the beach and eat too much and live like typical upper-middle-class white Americans.

We stopped in Santa Rosa beach and got married. We planned it, but tried not to make a big deal out of it or build it up inside. But we did anyway.

Neither of us have much religion, or use for it. Luckily, Alison isn't one of the uncountable masses of women in the world who think that Their Wedding Day needs to be a 5-star affair involving bands, white horses, shiny party favors, doves, dollar-dances, bride-and-dad pictures, 13-story cakes, and guest books.

We stood in a courthouse and got married without hundreds of dollars of makeup and hair. I had a red Hawaiian shirt and jeans on. She wore a pretty red blouse that made her look like a hippie chick, which she is. And we got married without our folks knowing about it. The witness was a clerk with hockey hair and jean shorts. Our J.O.P. was in an orange crop-top and she had a little bit of a lisp.

Aside from the rings we smuggled to the event, the whole thing cost us $110.

It was awesome.

I complain and make fun of My Lovely Wife™ all the time when I blog. I do it because I am grateful to have a Lovely Wife™ like her. I had little-to-no interest in getting married after I left college and left a relationship that was particularly difficult for me to get over and past. I think Alison knew that, considering we were together for about 6 years before the trip to the courthouse. But I really need to say it: I dig the hell out of Alison, and she's really the only lady in the world who I would WANT to be married to.


That's about as sentimental or mushy as I am capable of getting. It's very difficult for me to gush over someone. I'm not the kind of person who thinks that 'love' is some sort of overwhelming force that controls our actions or that heals any sort of problems that two people might have without it.

But it certainly makes it easier to be happy when it's there.

This whole entry would probably be a lot more touching if I didn't mention that I am listening to a Samantha Fox song on my iTunes as I type this.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Elitism


Lounging
Originally uploaded by Rwilliams718
Ahem (taps microphone, draws breath)...

elitist

noun

Someone who believes in rule by an elite group.

Let's go a bit further...

e·lit·ism or é·lit·ism

noun


The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.
-The sense of entitlement enjoyed by such a group or class.
-Control, rule, or domination by such a group or class.

I wanted everyone to know what the words meant, since they are throwing it around the same way we threw around 'Communist' in the 50's and 'Freedom' in 2001-2002.

If you have had more than a single beer with me at any given time, you probably have gotten at least HALf of my fumbling attempt to explain my 'Cult of The Ignorant' theory.

That's my well-shared belief that we encourage each other for being stupid, that we celebrate ignorance, and that we even go as far as to reward the criminally moronic as being icons that we wish not only to emulate, but that we look up to in order to feel like we belong.

The list of examples is, sadly, a mile long. Highlights include the following:

Jackass
Rock Of Love
Viva La Bam
Paris Hilton
Lindsey Lohan
Owen Wilson
Ben Stiller
Jessica Simpson
Brooke Hogan
Amy Winehouse
Heidi Montague
Britney Spears
Matthew Mchau... Mac... fuck, the guy who always takes his shirt off.

This isn't a list of people, movies and shows that I have a particular problem with. It is a list of people who are considered on a constant basis by the media to be celebrity-worthy. And each has, in the last 6 months, done at least one or two incurably stupid things that the media has jumped on. And so have we, as consumers.

This entire campaign against Obama, this angle that he is 'elitist', smacks more strongly of hoedown politics than anything I have ever witnessed. It's straight out of a schoolyard playground or a scene from Idiocracy: "What are ya tryin' ta be? Some kinds ed-e-cated faggit? Smartypants Mcgoo?! We don't take kindly ta people comin' in hare n' puttin' on aires!!"

WE LIVE IN A FUCKING REPUBLIC, PEOPLE!

In a Republic, we elect officials who are brought in to make decisions FOR us, based on our needs and goals.

Has the last 8 years worth of brainwashing us into thinking that a sweet-faced "good 'ol boy" is the best our country can elect as a leader?

Are we THAT afraid of bringing in a person who might have our best interests in mind as a country?

I'm really fucking annoyed at this crap. If the worst you can do is imply that a candidate is a better man than most other Americans... (shakes head in anger).

I don't endorse any candidate. I am still on the fence about a lot of stuff concerning this upcoming election. I hope you are, too. It's too soon to align yourself with a particular candidate. there are too many things to consider.

But what I HOPE you will start doing, if you haven't already, is that I hope you will start looking at 'news and information' regarding each candidate as it surfaces, and I hope you will start thinking to yourself: "Did the rival campaign/party put this out there? Is this the BEST they can do to smear their opponent?"

Jon Stewart said it best the other night:

"Not only do I want an elite president, I want someone who's embarrassingly superior to me."

So do I.

I am sick of catering to idiots and masses of people who are proud to be ignorant and downright stupid.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Chuck's Budd


Chuck's Budd
Originally uploaded by Rwilliams718
Chuck is a Silver Maple that started out when I thumbed a helicopter seed into the ground. It was at the first apartment that My Lovely Wife™ (at the time she was still My Lovely Girlfriend™) had in Nashville. Two years later we moved into a condo and I brought the 17-Inch-Tall 'Chuck' with us, and I planted him behind our condo near our fence.

Well, eventually we moved from the condo to our current home. When we left, I was a little bit distressed because I was so proud of the fact that Chuck started out as a seedling and he was easily 6 or 7 feet tall by then. I mentioned my concern to a good friend of mine named Craig Smith, who understood completely and who selflessly came to my condo one Saturday Afternoon and dug up Chuck's root ball. He kept it at his home for several months while they built our house, and afterwards he sacrificed ANOTHER Saturday hauling Chuck out of his yard and into mine.

That was 3 years ago, and Chuck is about 10 or 12 feet tall now. This week he woke back up and is starting to get busy again.

I'm very, very fond of Chuck.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Hanzo


Hanzo
Originally uploaded by Rwilliams718
This is Hanzo. He is the world's greatest salesman.

Hanzo won us over by sitting on our back porch and meowing at the door for hours on end. He didn't want food, we gave him plenty of that even though he was a stray and we knew what it would lead to. He just wanted to be petted and loved.

So we did.

Now, he's a house cat; one of four (his salesmanship got him in the house alongside his snowy-white brother, Pai Mei). And he's the one who will climb up your leg, just so you will pick him up and carry him around with you.

Hanzo's a pretty good cat.

Breffast

Here’s what you need to know about today’s entry:

1. I’m still trying to maintain my South Beach lifestyle by eating a consistent breakfast. In my case: a hard-boiled egg and a can of V-8 every morning at 10.

2. My Lovely Wife™ is a hippie-chick. Not one of the annoying Late 1960’s Love Child types, but the sexy and exciting 1963 post-Beat Generation mod types who doesn’t care about macramé and bell bottoms but loves being nice to Mother Earth.

3. I am vowing to take a photo a day for a month, just to give myself something to work for.

Okay. Now we can blog.



This was breakfast. My Lovely Wife™ insists on buying farm-fresh, cage-free, vegetarian-fed eggs (all of which I am all-for).

I rarely get one with spots, though. I sort of feel like I am eating a tiny dinosaur egg.

Taking a picture of it was the least I could do, considering this guy’s mum laid it with the best intentions of procreation and here I am about to put it in mah belleh.

NOM NOM NOM.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

News. Coverage You Can Count On...

I don’t know if I have ever talked about this before, but my hatred of local news has no bounds.

Not MY local news, per se. I have lived in about 20 cities in my short and miserable life. They all have had one thing in common, and that’s a VD epidemic by the time I split town and move on.

Well, they really have TWO things in common, because every town I have ever lived in has also come complete with a ’local on-the-spot news team.’ WE ARE THERE FOR YOU.

The team always includes the following:

1 Conservative-but-pretty female anchor with short hair and a comforting smile. The kind of smile that reminds you of the woman who takes your insurance ID and hands you a clipboard when you are at the dentist’s.

1 Conservative-yet-attractive-in-a-non-gay-and-non-threatening way male anchor. He is usually named Dennis. Or Andrew. Or Matthew. You can picture your dad playing golf with him. He is the guy who stands with his hands in his pockets near the cluster of husbands at the cookout and smiles, but is always looking across the yard at something else.

1 Black male and female to fill in and meet a bit of criteria. Put ’em wherever you need em. If you are in a fairly white community, give ’em Sports.

Wanna stick with a white sportscaster? I’ll give you two: You get the young, fresh-outta-college frat guy who likes to pause while the tape is playing back the hot point and say things like ’Snap there you go for two points Warriors!’. Your other choice is the old guy who obviously still smokes Chesterfields and who’s face is puffier than a baseball mitt. If you pick the old guy we will give you the kid on weekends for free. Hell, I’ll even throw in the black guy. Take em. Now get off my lawn.

Local news is the biggest waste of time and energy on Television. I say this with full knowledge that there is a television show on VH1 called Rock Of Love with Brett Michaels.

I live in a city with FOUR prime local network affiliates: ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX. That amounts to FOUR news teams who are combing the streets, looking for juicy stories like The Woman With Sewage In Her Yard and The Guy Who Made Shea Stadium Out Of Toothpicks. If you are dowton on a Friday night, you will see two of the four networks; news vans out and about, just dying to come up with a story or an angle.

And don’t get me started on the fucking weather guy.

Complete. Waste. Of. Time. All of it. In this day and age when we have CNN repeating their stories every 4 hours, and The Weather Channel giving us accurate forecasts "On The 8’s"... the whole system is useless.

What every city needs is ONE news team. They can work with the local paper. We can broadcast local stuff like house fires and Old Ladies With 200 Cats on CNN once a day. YOU ARE DONE.

"Hey Ryan!" You say, indignantly, "What about important things like tornadoes and riots and bank robberies and The Chinese Buffet On Nolansville Road With Roaches In It?"

Exactly, answers I.

I fucking hate the local news. That’s all.

To celebrate: here is a FINE link (courtesy of Shelley) of a compilation of all those terrible things that happen to local asshat ’news reporters’ when they try to make their mark on the media map.

Click HERE to see idiots and fuckwads get beat up, scratched, knocked over, dumped on, and almost blown to bits. I swear to god I laugh my fucking ass off every time I see that guy wind up with a lizard on his coat.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Eat me and live forever...

It's been a while since I hit you kids with an exciting blog, so I figured I would burn up this precious at-work time to give you a little update on my life.

I'm fine.

Well that about sums it up, now doesn't it?

In the mean time, here's a chance for you to learn a little something about life...

I have become obsessed recently with health. Namely- my own. I have lost almost 17 pounds in the last month or so by sticking HARD to stage 1 of my diet and cheating like hell during stage 2. I've knocked out eating candy and greasy stuff almost entirely, and the last time I had an actual non-diet/non-'Zero' product was five weeks ago.

And of course, it goes without saying I have had to abandon the meth. The sweet... sweet meth.

Anyhoo... what I have become specifically enamored with is the whole Antioxidant thing.

Did you know that YOU can avoid cancer and not become old and creepy if you just eat a shit ton of this stuff:

Berries. Namely: Strawberries and Blueberries. If your blueberry has a tiny red spot on it then it will be bitter. This rule goes for any red spots you find on any part of your body that you might call your blueberry.

Broccoli. Yeah, yeah, yeah, George Bush Sr. didn't like it. Let's move on. It's delicious, and if you steam it semi-whole then you can eat it with your fingers and pretend you are a giant devouring a tree. At least until your wife sees you dicking around with your food. Then it's a case of HELLO, MISTER RIGHTY! 'HEY HONEY?' KA-POW! Now you can go back to playing Pete's Dragon. RAAAAAAAR!

Garlic. I had no IDEA that garlic was as good for you as it turns out to be. Garlic is LOADED with Antioxidant properties. Once you get past the 'gah! that stinks!' aspect of it, it becomes a tasty treat to enjoy sauteed, roasted, ground up in sauces, and speinkled in 'salt' form over your favorite bowl of popcorn. I'm telling you, garlic sounds terrible and stinks on the first pass, but after you open yourself up to it and really start getting into what garlic has to offer, it's marvelous stuff. What I think I am trying to say is that garlic is the Bob Dylan of food.

Here's an added bonus! All those weepy, sad-faced, too-much-black-makeup, clove-smoking, Jesus-And-Mary-Chain-listening goth douchebags who fancy themselves as vampires will stay away from you and your food if you cook with a lot of garlic. It's that whole 'ooh, vampires hate garlic and so I do too' thing. It's a win-win for you, because now you don't have to deal with those ass hats.

Tomaters - By LAW I have to spell 'em and pronounce 'em that way. I also have to use the word 'em instead of them when I explain how to pronounce them. Er... 'em. Eat more. They are delish.

Red Wine. Neil Diamond has said more about this Godlike fluid than I ever could. Why you aren't drinking a big old goblet of Red Wine right NOW is a mystery to me. If Little John can do it, so can you. Tell your boss Ryan says it's okay. It's good for your heart. Screw your liver.


Spinach.
Do you know why you hate spinach? You hate spinach because your mom served it to you out of a can or a frozen brick. She probably scooped it out of the metal saucepan with that grotesque 1950's-style slotted strainer that looked like a spatula that got the shit knocked out of it during a rumble in the silverware drawer. Who WOULDN'T be turned off at the idea of a slimy, greasy wad of green-black goo swimming in boiled water, dangling off the edge of your plate? Nobody blames YOU, honey. Your parents were just lazy.

I've always loved spinach. Mainly because I was that annoying little kid who would eat things that looked gross just to get attention and make the other people at the table say 'ew!'

Carrots. I wasn't allowed to touch carrots for 2 weeks because Phase One of the South Beach Diet said they were full of sugar. Total bummer, because a day without carrots is like a lesbian video without a strap-on. Eat more carrots. Watch more porn. If that is at all humanly possible. You might need to quit your job.

Soybeans. I'm not a fan of tofu. Something about the texture makes me think I am eating flavorless Jello. Even when you grill it or try to dress it up like a piece of fried chicken, my tongue knows the difference. That's why I endorse the consumption of edamame. Edamame is a soybean steamed in its' shell and rolled in salt. It's what you eat as an appetizer when you go out for sushi. You can also buy it shelled in bags in your local grocer's freezer. If I was a LOL Cat I would end my endorsement of this stuff by saying NOM NOM NOM.

NOM NOM NOM!

Here we have the ACTUAL reason for me to compile a list of my favorite Antioxidants. You paid your dues, and read this far, so I will reward you by revealing my latest obsession, and my most favorite Antioxidant to date.

Green Tea.

Oh my LORD yes. Green Tea is mind-spankingly delicious. I just finished my third mug of it.

And subsequently, I have just realized that I have been sitting here for 30 minutes with three mugs of green tea inside me. Which means I have just now come to discover that I have but one choice in my immediate future... I can sit here and eke out a few more paragraphs of self-serving ha-ha's for you that recount my newfound love of The Healthiest Beverage You Can Enjoy In Your Life, or I can go take a monster piss.

I REALLY gotta pee, you lucky bastards.

Monday, March 31, 2008

A fine, FINE-looking table...

Here is the greatest news story I have ever read in my entire life, and it just happens to have taken place less than 5 miles from my home:

(Thanks to Josh, who brought it to my attention)

Police: Man Had Sex With Picnic Table
Anonymous Tip Led Police To Arrest

BELLEVUE -- A Bellevue man was arrested for public indecency for reportedly having sex with a picnic table in his backyard on several occasions near a school.

Art Price Jr., 40, of the 100 block of Brinker Street, was arrested March 20 by the Bellevue Police Department after a confidential source saw Price in the middle of a sexual act using a metal table and reported him to the police.

Price faces four charges of public indecency, which is a fifth-degree felony, because the incidents took place near school grounds. His bond was set at $20,000, and he is currently out on a signature bond by Judge Kenneth Fox.
If convicted, he could receive up to a maximum sentence of four years in prison and a $10,000 fine, according to the Bellevue Municipal Court.

The witness turned over three DVDs that show footage of Price engaging in these sexual acts on four different dates -- Jan. 29, Feb. 2, March 13 and March 14.

According to the police reports, all the videos show Price naked and performing a sexual act in the open doorway of his home while walking out to his backyard deck. He then set the metal table on its side and began another sexual act using the table.

According to the report, Price would clean the deck after each sex act.

Bellevue Detective Capt. Mark Brooks said the video was very clear and showed that Price didn’t attempt to conceal what he was doing.

"My first thought was how?" Brooks said.

The incidents took place across the street from Ridge Elementary School.

Brooks said the sex acts occurred in the late morning and early afternoon hours in a wide-open back yard that had no fence.

"My feeling was that he was looking straight at the playground when he had sex with the table," Brooks said. "It worries you when its that close to a school. I would hate to see something happen (to the kids)."

After an interview with Price at the police station, Brooks said Price admitted that he was having sex with the table and realized what he has been doing was wrong.

"He was so ashamed," Brooks said. "He realized that he had a problem."

During the interview, Price implied that the events have been taking place for quite sometime, Brooks said. He also said that since the acts took place in an open area, he would run inside the home for a passing car and return and finish the act when he thought it was clear.

Price is married and has three children who attend schools in the Bellevue area, Brooks said.

Bellevue City Schools Superintendent Stephen Schumm said no kids ever reported witnessing the acts.

"I was just shocked and amazed at a very unfortunate situation," Schumm said. "I’m concerned about the family and giving them support."

Schumm said the district is ready to help with counseling and do anything to help the kids.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Bastards...

Things I say while in line at SubWay, and what the SubWay Employee hears:

WHAT I SAY: I'd like a foot-long turkey on wheat, no cheese.
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: I'd like a foot-long turkey on white, with lots of cheese. Extra, even.

WHAT I SAY: Spicy mustard and lite mayo, please
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: THREE QUARTS of regular yellow mustard and a wad of regular mayonnaise that you can just go ahead and squirt into a ball of ooze in the far right corner of the bun.

WHAT I SAY: Lettuce, tomatoes, banana peppers, onions.
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: three tomatoes and ninety seven pounds of raw, red onions, please.

WHAT I SAY: I don't want it heated.
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: Put it in that oven thingy and forget about it while you serve the WASP with huge fake tits behind me.

Fuck you, SubWay. Fuck you, Jared. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Diary Of The Dumb


Oh Monday, you always show up so early.

Here are a few stories about my weekend:

Friday I attended the annual Full Moon Horror And Tattoo Convention. This is the same event that gave you my famous Hand Turkey Incident 2 years ago. The venue was DEAD Friday, so I actually had a wonderful time chatting for prolonged periods with the likes of Tony Todd, Dee Wallace Stone, and the absolutely wonderful Adrienne Barbeau. I congratulated Ms. Barbeau on winning the original CANNONBALL RUN, thanked her for walking down the stairs so often in MAUDE, and asked her if I could just call her Billie. There were worse things I could do. That is an awesome series of references. Look it up.

Friday night I stood in a line outside the Belcourt for two hours. It was in order to witness a sneak peak of DIARY OF THE DEAD, the new 'installment' of George Romero's 'Dead' series. Romero himself was on hand to take a bow before the screening and say 'thanks for giving me a living for the last 40 years.' Hence the 2-hour wait time. It wasn't worth it. The movie is terrible. Horrible. Not even in the good way. FAIL!

I went with a few pals, and a few pals of pals as well. We showed up at the event at 9:30pm, even though the screening was at midnight. This was because last October we had sold out by 10:15pm when we showed ROCKY HORROR at the theater, and I expected the same thing to happen this time. It did. By 11 the line was around the block. We got there first and stood at the head.

I mention getting there first and standing at the head because Sean, Josh and I stood there for 90 minutes as the queue formed behind us. The venue has been sold out for a few weeks, but I had an extra ticket and it went to one of Josh's friends: a guy named Adam who is on my friends list and probably reads this and who is kinda cool but kinda a dipstick. He achieved 'dipstick status' by showing up and hopping into line with us at 11pm (not a huge offense: we had his ticket and I am a firm believer in 'cutting' if you are with a group). He was a little drunk and chatty, and he didn't think twice about having the following exchange with a passer-by who knew him:

PASSER-BY: Hey Adam, man what's up?
ADAM: Hey dude!
PASSER-BY: Man, I would have guessed a guy like you'd be at the head of the line!
ADAM: Yeah, well what can I say?

And... scene!

What can you say? I'll tell you what you can say, you twat, you can say "Yeah, I just showed up and cut into line but my friend here have been standing in the cold for 90 minutes waiting for me."

Fortunately, I am a dipstick as well, and so I harbor no anger. Just bitterness. I am like a human root.

Saturday, I was up bright and early at 9am so I could attend the 'town meeting' at Belcourt: in order to discuss renovation ideas, programming issues, and overall suggestions to broaden the aspects of the ONE establishment in Nashville that I support fully and lovingly.

I am all for public town-meeting style gatherings where anyone can come in and give their opinions on what can be done to better an establishment. There are usually quite a few hearty suggestions regarding ways to make more non-profit-profit and expand entertainment possibilities in a place like this.

BUT...

Having a microphone and a set of open doors ALSO means you are going to end up getting 2 or three lunatics and, to quote Patton Oswalt; 'Raisin Cakes' in the bunch.

My favorite is the dowdy 80-pound woman with Oklahoma Hair who suggested the theater starts showing 'kids movies like that one about The Indian In The Cupboard and the like. More kids needs to see movies!' This is, of course, right after Belcourt has wrapped up their Children's Series a few weeks ago, you know.

She also suggested colorful T-shirts. Which Belcourt has. And 'A western film festival. I know a lot of people like westerns even though I don't."

Ahhh, Agnes... go to the mic 3 more times. Go on. We are all waiting. Glorious.

I was waiting for her to suggest that the movie theater start projecting their movies onto a big, white screen in order to enable people to see the product better.

Sunday Night it was back to the same place (holy shit I LIVED at the Belcourt this weekend!) to see The Greatest Haunted House Movie Ever Made: THE HAUNTING.

So good. So goood. So very, very very GOOD.

Sunday I drank beer and didn't care about Jesus rising from the grave because he's just not that cool a zombie. Oh, and because I have common sense.

And can't eat chocolate.

Oh! which reminds me to give you an update on THE GREAT WILLIAMS WEIGHT LOSS DRIVE OF '08...

In two weeks I have dropped roughly 15 pounds. All from not eating sugar, bread, booze, fruit and fat. I am supposed to be done with 'phase one' and now I should be moving on to 'phase two', where I can re-introduce 'GOOD' carbs and breads into my diet, along with fruit, and the occasional glass of wine.

It ALSO means I can 'cheat'... which I did on Sunday... by ingesting 3 whopping pints of delicious beer at our local brewery.

If you drink as much as I admittedly drink, and you go for as long as I have without one (two weeks is the longest I have been 'off alcohol' since I was 19)... I can't begin to accurately describe to you what it feels like to sniff the top of a glass of freshly-poured Pale Ale. The closest I can come is to say what I said when I was a-sniffin'... "Hello, old friend!"

NUMMERS!

That's all. For lunch today I 're-introduced' wheat bread to my diet by getting a 6-inch from Subway. I didn't want chips so I opted for yogurt. The nice Arab guy who hates me but tries to be polite helped me out by putting a fork in my bag. Thanks for the fork. It's what all of us infidels like to eat a cup of yogurt with.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Social Work

Yesterday we were visited by our social worker. This was the famous "1st Home Visit" that takes place before the adoption. Lindsey comes to our place, sits down, and asks us a bunch of questions about our lives and our preparedness to raise a little Chinese takeout.

Here is a helpful list of things you shouldn't bring up in front of a social worker:

1- Your penchant for meth.

2- How most fights in your home are resolved by a visit from 'Mr. Knuckles'.

3- Your collection of celebrity offal.

4- The 'Real Doll' Room in your basement.

5- How you plan to vote for Nader.

6- The concept that most adoptions from China, or Asia in general, 'go sideways'.

7- When asked about how your sex life is, don't offer to show her.

8- Your obsession with meat sculpture.

9- The word 'pantaloons'.

Just a tip or two from someone who lived it.

Monday, March 17, 2008

"Oh look, an indoor outhouse..."

Strange time for convergences and coincidences, this week. A lot of stuff is coming around full-circle, and I am not trying to be deliberately cryptic. Sorry it is coming out that way. All I can say is that what goes around comes around, and this is NOT a case where that statement is related in any way to revenge, 'getting back at someone', or what-have-you. It's just a strange month so far, that's all.

An example:

The first movie I ever saw in a theater by myself - meaning I went without parents or friends and just wanted to see a movie that I was looking forward to - was BEETLEJUICE. While it played theatrically I saw it no less than 8 times. It is very likely that BEETLEJUICE was the very first movie that I ever saw to the point where I 'studied' it with enthusiasm to the point where I decided I wanted to 'make' movies.

So when I discovered it was playing at my local theater this weekend... well... I was totally up for it. I haven't seen BEETLEJUICE in a looooong time, despite my enjoying it so much when I was in Jr. High.

I looked the movie up on IMDB Saturday evening, before attending, and discovered a neat circular coincidence. Originally BEETLEJUICE was released in March of 1988. That's 20 years, for you kids who can't count. Almost to the day.

Cool!

So while I was driving, by myself, to the theater, I was thinking about how BEETLEJUICE was my first 'by-myself' movie experience. But for the record, the VERY first movie I had ever seen in a theater was THE MUPPET MOVIE.

It was a throwaway thought, until I went into the movie theater and heard the pre-show music that they were piping in while my friend Josh and I got seated.

They were playing 'Can You Picture That' from THE MUPPET MOVIE.

Very Cool!

What's NOT so cool is the fact that BEETLEJUICE has NOT aged well, for me.

When I was 9 or 10, 'Adventure' on the ATARI 2600 was a pretty badass wicked game.
You got a sword... you got to fight dragons and find keys... total coolness for a video game. A few years ago I was lucky enough to find an old 2600 emulator online in order to play those old video games form the era, including 'Adventure'. Naturally, I drooled at the prospect of revisiting such an old friend.

'Adventure' kinda sucks. It's NO 'World Of Warcraft', that's all I am saying.

BEETLEJUICE is the same way. It doesn't hold up, and now it makes sense why my mother and stepfather had that glazed-over look of perplexed confusion on their faces after watching it in our living room, back when it came out on VHS. This was after months of me raving about it and not shutting up about how awesome of a movie it was.

They were kinda right. The movie kinda sucks.

Maybe it's my in-the-last-10-years-acquired disdain for artistic Goth. Maybe it's my appreciation of substance over style. Maybe it's my being-able-to-see-where-Burton-interfered-with-the-script-to-accommodate-his-pretentious 'vision'.

Whatever the reason; BEETLEJUICE didn't hold up.

Kinda sad.

Friday, March 14, 2008

go!

I don't like the coffee in the break area right next to my work zone. They provide us with a brand called Flavia. You take a little metal pouch that looks like a miniature Capri Sun and you stick it into a slot on top of the coffee maker, then you wait 35 seconds for the pouch/machine to make you a cup of muddy, clotty, coffee-flavored hot water.

Across the building in another break area they still carry the Keurig brand of coffees- these are coffees and teas that come in little salad-dressing-sized cups that you put in the top of a little coffee machine and it brews you a relatively normal-tasting experience.

The price I pay for that is having to walk across my building in order to get a delicious hot beverage. In addition to that- Occasionally I have to submerge myself into the world of The Hens.

The Hens are the flock of cube inhabitants that nest over near the 'good coffee'. If you have ever run through a barnyard and heard the discordant reaction of the poultry on the ground near you, you see why they got their name.

The Hens in question were at full 'BOCK' today, discussing one of the ladies' little girl. Apparently, this gal is graduating this spring from high school, and Mama doesn't want her little chick to go all the way down to Atlanta to go to school.

The overheard dialog was:

"...because I KNOW that if she's in that element, with all those college people, she will get exposed to stuff and be on her own and there's a strong chance she might forget herself and do thangs [yes... THANGS] that people do in college. I want her to stay here at home where she will stay herself."

I got my tea and moved on.

A few thoughts:

I think everyone should go to college, if they can. Having a college education looks good on paper; and depending on what you study, college will prepare you with a delightful plethora of knowledge that helps you achieve your goals. I mean let's face it: high school didn't teach you anything valuable. Anything that WAS valuable for you to know about you re-learned in your core college classes your freshman year. Sad but true.

BUT-

The biggest reason to go to college is BECAUSE of the elements you will become exposed to! Isn't that the whole idea?

I couldn't tell you the names of the classes I took my first semester at Stephens. But I DO remember making out with Regina and tucking her drunk ass in on my couch instead of trying to 'seal the deal'. I remember the dynamic between folks I didn't think I would get along with. I remember sitting on the roof of The Guys House and drinking beers, and I remember about a trillion dates, pranks, comments, rehearsals, and instances where I became a better person because of it.

There is nothing like the feeling of living on your own, and yet still having that tether back to your family when you need help. It's completely different than just striking off on your own after school with NO help from 'home'. And I think it is a completely useful and unique experience.

Let your kids go away to college. Put $50-$75 a week into their bank account and let them blow it on T-shirts, cult movies, 6-packs and the occasional bag of grass. Insist that they get passing grades and that they keep a journal of their time there. They might not remember the names of their professors in ten years, but they will totally remember what it was like to room with a Muslim who's concept of God and right and wrong is slightly different than what they grew up with. And maybe they will become better-rounded individuals because of it.

Allow the poor chick to leave the nest, dammit.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Day 3

Having 30 pounds of excess weight on you isn't pleasant at all. So we are trying the South Beach Diet. I am vehemently against fads and crap like this, but I am more against the expanding chunk of stomach that I seem to be cultivating.

The diet breaks down like this: don't eat gross stuff, don't eat bread, no potatoes, no pasta. If it looks 'carby', you can't eat it for the first two weeks. At all. No meatballs. No sausage. No ice cream. No bacon. NO SUGAR. No.

You CAN eat as much as you want of the other stuff. Eat 'till you are full. Stuff yourself with grilled chicken. And green veggies. And 'good' carbs, like cauliflower.

Worst of all... no booze.

So it's day three, over here in Losesomepoundagevania. I have consumed roughly 6 chicken breasts in 3 days. 6 hard-boiled eggs (dear GOD am I starting to loathe them). seven handfulls of nuts. 10 cherry tomatoes, and a garden of bunny food. I swear I have whiskers by now.

And water. 190 gallons of water.

The only thing I can really complain about is that today I feel tired and my head aches.

And dear fucking lord do I want a beer.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What a boat costume perties?

In these crazy, busy, get-it-done NOW times, bright young video production artists such as myself have trouble making movies for the masses.

Thank GOD that Fred & Sharon are here to pick up the slack for all of us who cannot 'do' any more...







What a boat animation?

What a boat costume perties?

Monday, March 10, 2008

DAY ONE... AGAIN...

MONDAY!

This weekend I saw Alfred Hitchcock's ROPE.

10 cuts, 80 minutes, tons and tons of homosexual innuendo.

ROPE was damn good. Watch it.

------------------------------------

My Lovely Wife-- has decided to put me on the South Beach Diet. Well, SHE is going on it, and I live with her... so...

Today is the first day. The gist of the diet, as far as I can tell, is that you can eat as much as you want for this first two weeks as long is it's not sugar or carbs. I did 2 eggs, green salad, a V-8, and an unsweetened iced tea for breakfast and lunch. My mid-afternoon snack consisted of two slices of turkey rolled up with strips of green pepper. I think I am getting a can of tuna on my dinner's salad.

I am not hungry, but I am grumpy anyway. I want a Coke.


------------------------------------

I just left a social worker's office, where I talked for 70 minutes about why I would be a fit parent, because of this upcoming adoption.

All I can say is that I need a drink.

Oh yeah... I can't have any of THAT for 2 weeks, either.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Josh, and TAXI DRIVER

I have a very good friend of mine named Josh. He's a raging cinephile, like myself, and although he is a TON more 'forgiving' of mainstream movies than I can ever hope to be, I still tend to respect his opinion on movie and film above several of my other movie-lovin' comrades.

Last week we saw MEAN STREETS and TAXI DRIVER in a soul-crushing 4-hour marathon at our local movie theater. They are two of my favorite movies of all time, and it had been a while since I saw both of them, particularly on a big screen.

Anyhow, Josh wrote an absolutely fantastic essay on TAXI DRIVER. He posted it here on his website, but I am gonna reprint it here because the bastard thinks it's cool to print more than 20 words in BRIGHT PINK TEXT on a black background. My eyeballs are still screaming from reading it myself.

Here's Josh's take on a movie that is so good that you need to be watching it RIGHT NOW.

***

Talking movies at one point with my father, he was discussing Apocalypse Now. "It's a great movie to watch at midnight," he said, "because afterward, all you feel like doing is going to bed. Most of the life is gone out of you at that point."

I agreed with him at that time, but it's been a while since I was as forcefully reminded of that quote as when I watched Taxi Driver at the midnight show the other night.

It had been a long time since I saw Taxi Driver - it's quite possible, I think, that I had not even seen it since the first time I saw it, back in high school. I remembered the basics of the story - what film fan doesn't know the basics, even if they haven't seen it? But somehow, I had forgotten the power of the storytelling, the pure brilliance and visceral power of the film.

It's remarkable how much Scorsese grew between Mean Streets and this. I liked Mean Streets a lot, but it's a meandering film, more of a "slice of hometown life" than a true film. It's enjoyable, and it has a raw power to it, but it doesn't even compare to the control over the medium that Scorsese shows here - a control that he uses to devastating effect.

Re-watching this, it occurred to me that, in some ways, Travis Bickle is a predecessor to John Doe from Se7en. Both are men obsessed with what they perceive to be a filthy, horrible world filled with sin, and both men choose to fight that evil. To be fair, Doe is far more methodical and intelligent than Bickle, who is simplistic, but it's still a thought. (At one point, Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro apparently discussed doing a follow-up to Taxi Driver, showing where Travis Bickle would be today. It's rare that a sequel would be so captivating and fascinating, but god, would I love to see that film.)

The Se7en comparison works on a lot of levels, in fact. Like Fincher's serial killer film, Taxi Driver creates a world that disgusts and horrifies, and does nothing so much as make me want to get away from it, as soon as humanly possible. Mean Streets showed that Scorsese was a master at giving you a sense of time and place, but Taxi Driver let him immerse you in a world that resembled nothing so much as a modern-day Bosch painting.

That, in the end, is what makes Taxi Driver so effective - its subjectivity. I had forgotten just how plunged into Travis's mind you are in the film. Between the fact that he is in almost every single scene, his monologues that grow and grow as the film progresses, and the way we view so much of the world from behind his cab windshield, we find ourselves more and more immersed into the deranged, violent mind of Bickle. Ironically, the film tells us little about it. It implies that he was in Vietnam, and we get the sense that he might have seen or done some horrible things over there, but we don't really know. When we meet him, he's a blank slate, making it all the easier for us to step into his shoes...and find the dark heart and soul there waiting for us.

It's a testament to the film's quality that by the time it reaches its violent climax, we actually understand why Travis is doing this - and it makes leaving the film all the more uncomfortable. How could we have empathized with this violent psychopath? And yet, Scorsese and Schrader pull off that feat handily.

They, of course, couldn't do it without De Niro. Watching this, it's a reminder of how incredible he once was, and it almost erases my ill will towards him after drek like Meet the Fockers. De Niro's performance is haunting and unsettling; he plays Bickle like a live wire, seething inwardly, taking in all the world has to offer, judging it, and finding the world wanting. That famous scene where he's talking to the mirror should feel iconic; instead, it feels queasy. We're watching Bickle portray himself as a hero, but we know who he is, and we know that whatever's to come, it's not going to be heroic.

Of course, the film is packed with incredible performances. Albert Brooks adds some much needed comic relief to the film's first half, but fades into the background as his protector figure is supplanted by Keitel's pimp. (One of the many fascinating things about the film is the shift in Bickle's attention from one duo to another: at the film's beginning, it's Shepherd, protected by Brooks; by the end, it's Foster, protected by Keitel. Only the latter allows him to feel like the hero, someone who will accept him for what he is; after all, she's a prostitute, and she has to? But in his deranged mind, she wants him for who he is.) Peter Boyle makes the most of a supporting role, creating an interesting character with minimal screen time. Shepherd has rarely been better, but it's Foster who really makes an impression and haunts the film; wise beyond her years, hardened by the streets, she leaves us with the same impression she leaves Travis: a child whose innocence has been taken, and who needs help.

[Spoilers follow.]

All of these paths, of course, lead inexorably to the film's ending. Is it real? Is it a dream? Does Travis actually do what he sets out to, but die in the process? It's hard to say. To be sure, the violent showdown is what shocks the viewer; even years later, the film is remembered as being far more violent than it is, and that's due in no small part to the intensity of the violence on display. But is it real? Or is Travis dreaming? And does he survive?

There's no doubt that the ending doesn't feel real. A hero? Re-hired by the taxi company with no questions? These seem at odds with the dangerous man we've lived with. And yet, for the hellish world we've seen depicted for the last hour and a half, Bickle is a hero - and that says far more about our world than anything Bickle does. If these are our heroes, Scorsese asks, what does that say about us, that such violent, dangerous men are people to idolize, to invite to dinner, to honor?

It's that awkward reunion with Shepherd, though, that sticks. After the trip to the porno theater, after the violence, after the stalking, she returns? Maybe. Maybe she's convinced by his hero act. Maybe she gives him a second chance.

But for a moment, after she leaves, there's that jarring burst of music, that strange shot of the mirror, and we know that the world has misjudged. This is no hero. This is a monster...and we're looking at him in the mirror.

End film.

Is it any wonder that we all left so quietly and uncomfortable? For an hour and a half, we're plunged into the mind of madness, subjected to painful attempts to reach out, watch as brutal violence is doled out and acclaimed, and made to question the nature of our own world.

It's a hard watch, by any standards, and the fact that it's held up so well over the years is almost disturbing. We should have grown away from this cynicism; the Times Square of Taxi Driver is gone, we would hope.

But inwardly, we're just not sure.

***

The War

My mother-in-law ordered me a copy of The War for Christmas. It's the FIFTEEN hour documentary on WWII that Ken Burns did for PBS last year. So far we are 2 hours in and already I am a jittery mess half of the time. The sheer NUMBER of lives that we lost in this conflict is staggering. The lengths to which these soldiers were willing to go- even to JOIN the conflict willingly and to serve this country... it's just mind-numbing.

My generation was never thrown into a war. My father's generation was. And the generation before that, and before that, and before that. Anyone can sign up and fight, but something about the idea of being DRAFTED... being TOLD that you are going to be forced to serve your country... that's so damned interesting to me.

I think that part of the reason why my generation doesn't value things as much as we should stems from that. I think there is a pretty strong number of 'rebels' out there who don't really know what they are rebelling against- they are just doing it because they think it's what they are supposed to do. It's hip to be disaffected.

All I am saying, and saying rather poorly, is that there is something sociological about all of this: about how we are a nation that is at war, and yet we are not as united in the cause as we were in 1941. And I really DO think that it has something to do with the fact that we are not being drafted to serve in the effort.

I'm not saying, for even a moment, that I advocate a draft. What I think that I AM saying is that I understand it when old codgers complain about 'you young people got it easy! And you don't appreciate how hard it was when I was a kid.'

There needs to be less emo-kid manure out there; and less 'I have been through some seriously hard shit, man' when the worst the person who says that has had to endure was the breakup of their parents or having to live in 3 cities through high school.

And while I am complaining... there needs to be less sheep-like behavior when it comes to opinions and worldly points-of-view. I work with a guy... let's call him P. P is fantastic about spouting out some sort of heard-it-on-the-radio doctrine or opinion when the topic comes up in conversation. The guy is in his 20's. Every opinion or world view he has decided to share with people around him is still largely based on what he has heard his parents say, or has heard spouted on TV shows or 'hip' magazines and Web-groups. He is echoing dogma that he hasn't had a chance to savor, yet.

There is a lot of that going around. Everyone drinks the Kool-Aid once and a while. If they didn't, then NOBODY would go to Ben Stiller movies.

It just annoys me that anyone in America with a middle-class upbringing thinks they have overcome some incredibly insurmountable odds, and carries a chip on their shoulder about our government, or our American Way Of Life, then they can go watch My Name Is Earle and be satisfied that they are well-rounded and accomplished.

Go tromp through a jungle-island for 2 years and get shot at by Japanese soldiers while your supply lines have been cut off and you are surviving on coconuts and rice-soup. Do it against your will because you'd rather be home watching Billy Wilder movies. Then you can feel free to listen to all the Linkin Park you want.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

D & Dead

Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons & Dragons, has died.

My brother Tom was a hardcore D&D fan. 90% of my memories of him while we were growing up consist of Tommy sitting behind a huge double-desk covered with graph paper, character sheets, 20-sided dice and pewter figurines that I wasn't allowed to touch upon pain of death.

When Tom moved out, he left a pretty hefty cache of D&D books, supplies, and unfinished campaigns for me to pilfer and exploit. I only had 2 or 3 friends who were willing to play, and we never got as hardcore into it as my brother and his pals, but I liked me some AD&D.

Somewhere in my miasma of old books, stacks of Trapper Keepers, and piles of loose-leaf paper, there is a level 12 Half-Elf Magic User named Lelendri who mourns your loss, Mr. Gygax.

AND NOW, THE JOKES!


-Somewhere in Minnesota, a Magic The Gathering Fanatic is steepling his fingers and muttering "this is all going according to plan!"
-Gygax's widow heard the news and immediately rolled a Human Chaotic Warrior with 15 strength and 2 wisdom... Too soon?

Marty


Last night My Lovely Wife™ wanted to watch 'something old but good'. That's not a tall order in The Williams Household. Well, 'good' is a relative term. What she meant was: I want to watch something that displays characters and settings that allude to a bygone era but NOT something with monsters in rubber suits, silly acting, or guys who's dialog came out of a Raymond Chandler novel.

So once again, we watched MARTY.

I love this damn movie.

MARTY is just about the best movie ever made. Ernest Borgnine plays the title character: a 34 year-old butcher who's 5 brothers and sisters have all gotten married and moved away. He still lives in The Bronx with his mother in a big old house, where he is constantly harangued by his family and neighborhood 'hens' for being single. Marty's still a bachelor for obvious reasons(to him): he is a fat, ugly man. And even though he has a huge heart, it doesn't seem to matter.

One night he gives in to his own ego and decides to go to a big dance hall with his pal, Angie. They are wallflowers, and Marty is miserable. He's approached by a slick jerk who wants to dump his blind date because "she's a dog, a real dog," and he offers Marty $5 to pretend to be his army buddy and "take her off my hands." Marty is appalled at the guy's behavior, and he refuses. The slickster propositions another wallflower who goes for the idea, and Marty watches as the setup falls apart by an embarrassed Clara, who eventually stands up and walks out onto a balcony to escape the humiliation of not fitting in. Marty goes out there to ask her to dance, and she cries on his shoulder.

Perfect. Fucking. Movie.

I only described the first act. The rest of the movie is all about the rest of the evening and the next day, when Marty has top cope with the fact that, for the first time in his life, he's got himself a prospect. I'm telling you... this movie will blow you away. I'm such a damn fanboy.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Taco-Bot

Need proof that America is getting dumber? Read on:

I made a January resolution to not eat at Taco Bell or McDonald's for a year. Both are close to work, and both make me feel terrible after I indulge.

So far, avoiding The Bastard Scottish Clown hasn't been that difficult. I crave a McNugget once and a while, but I am able to stave it off. But the flesh is weak, and Chicken Ranchero Soft Tacos with Fire sauce is strong.

What the hell. I went to Taco Bell, thinking about how it's not so bad to give in to temptation once and a while, as long as I don't make a pig out of myself.

Picture the following scene: I drive up to the drive-thru 25 minutes ago. I am behind another car. they order and move on. My turn.

"Hello, welcome to blahdie blah, can I blah your blah"

"Hi." (this is me...) "Can I have a number two with a Pepsi?"

I always order a number two, because that's what Taco Bell gives me anyway.

They give me a total and I pull around.

Now keep in mind that I haven't been to The Border in a few months. So for a second or two after what happens actually transpires, I am thinking that things might be different... that what I am experiencing might be 'normal'.

I pull up to the window, hand them my card, and they give me my drink. Then they hand my card back to me.

"Want any hot or mild sauce?" Asks the sleepy-eyed, slightly slack-jawed minimum-wage-earning Slipknot Fan in the window.

I ask for hot sauce. A moment later they give it to me.

On a tray.

The dude hands me a plastic Taco Bell tray, complete with paper placemat. My items are placed side-by-side next to three packs of hot sauce (in a new, purple packet).

So I take the tray and look puzzled. Nickleback says "Thank you" and I drive away from the window.

WITH A TACO BELL TRAY IN MY HAND.

Now like I said, because I haven't been doing The Bell for a while, for a moment or two I was thinking that maybe this is normal. I seem to recall seeing a few commercials for new 'platter' meals from La Casa Del Taco.

But no... this is an actual 'for here' tray. In my lap. From the drive-through. Something is wrong.

I parked and walked inside. "Keri"... the manager on duty, asks me if she can help me when I approach the counter with my TRAY of food.

"Yeah, Hi. Um... is this normal? I got this tray in the drive-thru."

"They gave you a tray?"

"Yeah. I mean... um..."

"Yeah, sorry, I will take that."

She put my food in a bag and told me to have a good day. My mind continues to be blown.

Then, a few moments ago, it all made perfect sense to me.

See, when they hand me my card back... when ANYONE hands me my card back, I put it in my wallet, and I fold my receipt and put THAT in there, too. Just for kicks, I pulled out the receipt.

It says 'DINE-IN' on the top, instead of 'TO-GO' or 'DRIVE-THRU'.

So for all I can figure, what we have here is a case of a guy who was just following orders. He was following them EXACTLY as written. When a customer is DINING IN... give 'em a tray.

Unbelievable.

The switch...

I get bitched at for posting my blog entirely on MySpace, and I can understand that. So I have shopped around and adopted Blogger as a reasonable alternative. Hello. This account started up 4 years ago and I have just re-adopted it. You lucky twits.