Eat me and live forever...

It's been a while since I hit you kids with an exciting blog, so I figured I would burn up this precious at-work time to give you a little update on my life.

I'm fine.

Well that about sums it up, now doesn't it?

In the mean time, here's a chance for you to learn a little something about life...

I have become obsessed recently with health. Namely- my own. I have lost almost 17 pounds in the last month or so by sticking HARD to stage 1 of my diet and cheating like hell during stage 2. I've knocked out eating candy and greasy stuff almost entirely, and the last time I had an actual non-diet/non-'Zero' product was five weeks ago.

And of course, it goes without saying I have had to abandon the meth. The sweet... sweet meth.

Anyhoo... what I have become specifically enamored with is the whole Antioxidant thing.

Did you know that YOU can avoid cancer and not become old and creepy if you just eat a shit ton of this stuff:

Berries. Namely: Strawberries and Blueberries. If your blueberry has a tiny red spot on it then it will be bitter. This rule goes for any red spots you find on any part of your body that you might call your blueberry.

Broccoli. Yeah, yeah, yeah, George Bush Sr. didn't like it. Let's move on. It's delicious, and if you steam it semi-whole then you can eat it with your fingers and pretend you are a giant devouring a tree. At least until your wife sees you dicking around with your food. Then it's a case of HELLO, MISTER RIGHTY! 'HEY HONEY?' KA-POW! Now you can go back to playing Pete's Dragon. RAAAAAAAR!

Garlic. I had no IDEA that garlic was as good for you as it turns out to be. Garlic is LOADED with Antioxidant properties. Once you get past the 'gah! that stinks!' aspect of it, it becomes a tasty treat to enjoy sauteed, roasted, ground up in sauces, and speinkled in 'salt' form over your favorite bowl of popcorn. I'm telling you, garlic sounds terrible and stinks on the first pass, but after you open yourself up to it and really start getting into what garlic has to offer, it's marvelous stuff. What I think I am trying to say is that garlic is the Bob Dylan of food.

Here's an added bonus! All those weepy, sad-faced, too-much-black-makeup, clove-smoking, Jesus-And-Mary-Chain-listening goth douchebags who fancy themselves as vampires will stay away from you and your food if you cook with a lot of garlic. It's that whole 'ooh, vampires hate garlic and so I do too' thing. It's a win-win for you, because now you don't have to deal with those ass hats.

Tomaters - By LAW I have to spell 'em and pronounce 'em that way. I also have to use the word 'em instead of them when I explain how to pronounce them. Er... 'em. Eat more. They are delish.

Red Wine. Neil Diamond has said more about this Godlike fluid than I ever could. Why you aren't drinking a big old goblet of Red Wine right NOW is a mystery to me. If Little John can do it, so can you. Tell your boss Ryan says it's okay. It's good for your heart. Screw your liver.


Spinach. Do you know why you hate spinach? You hate spinach because your mom served it to you out of a can or a frozen brick. She probably scooped it out of the metal saucepan with that grotesque 1950's-style slotted strainer that looked like a spatula that got the shit knocked out of it during a rumble in the silverware drawer. Who WOULDN'T be turned off at the idea of a slimy, greasy wad of green-black goo swimming in boiled water, dangling off the edge of your plate? Nobody blames YOU, honey. Your parents were just lazy.

I've always loved spinach. Mainly because I was that annoying little kid who would eat things that looked gross just to get attention and make the other people at the table say 'ew!'

Carrots. I wasn't allowed to touch carrots for 2 weeks because Phase One of the South Beach Diet said they were full of sugar. Total bummer, because a day without carrots is like a lesbian video without a strap-on. Eat more carrots. Watch more porn. If that is at all humanly possible. You might need to quit your job.

Soybeans. I'm not a fan of tofu. Something about the texture makes me think I am eating flavorless Jello. Even when you grill it or try to dress it up like a piece of fried chicken, my tongue knows the difference. That's why I endorse the consumption of edamame. Edamame is a soybean steamed in its' shell and rolled in salt. It's what you eat as an appetizer when you go out for sushi. You can also buy it shelled in bags in your local grocer's freezer. If I was a LOL Cat I would end my endorsement of this stuff by saying NOM NOM NOM.

NOM NOM NOM!

Here we have the ACTUAL reason for me to compile a list of my favorite Antioxidants. You paid your dues, and read this far, so I will reward you by revealing my latest obsession, and my most favorite Antioxidant to date.

Green Tea.

Oh my LORD yes. Green Tea is mind-spankingly delicious. I just finished my third mug of it.

And subsequently, I have just realized that I have been sitting here for 30 minutes with three mugs of green tea inside me. Which means I have just now come to discover that I have but one choice in my immediate future... I can sit here and eke out a few more paragraphs of self-serving ha-ha's for you that recount my newfound love of The Healthiest Beverage You Can Enjoy In Your Life, or I can go take a monster piss.

I REALLY gotta pee, you lucky bastards.