News. Coverage You Can Count On...

I don’t know if I have ever talked about this before, but my hatred of local news has no bounds.

Not MY local news, per se. I have lived in about 20 cities in my short and miserable life. They all have had one thing in common, and that’s a VD epidemic by the time I split town and move on.

Well, they really have TWO things in common, because every town I have ever lived in has also come complete with a ’local on-the-spot news team.’ WE ARE THERE FOR YOU.

The team always includes the following:

1 Conservative-but-pretty female anchor with short hair and a comforting smile. The kind of smile that reminds you of the woman who takes your insurance ID and hands you a clipboard when you are at the dentist’s.

1 Conservative-yet-attractive-in-a-non-gay-and-non-threatening way male anchor. He is usually named Dennis. Or Andrew. Or Matthew. You can picture your dad playing golf with him. He is the guy who stands with his hands in his pockets near the cluster of husbands at the cookout and smiles, but is always looking across the yard at something else.

1 Black male and female to fill in and meet a bit of criteria. Put ’em wherever you need em. If you are in a fairly white community, give ’em Sports.

Wanna stick with a white sportscaster? I’ll give you two: You get the young, fresh-outta-college frat guy who likes to pause while the tape is playing back the hot point and say things like ’Snap there you go for two points Warriors!’. Your other choice is the old guy who obviously still smokes Chesterfields and who’s face is puffier than a baseball mitt. If you pick the old guy we will give you the kid on weekends for free. Hell, I’ll even throw in the black guy. Take em. Now get off my lawn.

Local news is the biggest waste of time and energy on Television. I say this with full knowledge that there is a television show on VH1 called Rock Of Love with Brett Michaels.

I live in a city with FOUR prime local network affiliates: ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX. That amounts to FOUR news teams who are combing the streets, looking for juicy stories like The Woman With Sewage In Her Yard and The Guy Who Made Shea Stadium Out Of Toothpicks. If you are dowton on a Friday night, you will see two of the four networks; news vans out and about, just dying to come up with a story or an angle.

And don’t get me started on the fucking weather guy.

Complete. Waste. Of. Time. All of it. In this day and age when we have CNN repeating their stories every 4 hours, and The Weather Channel giving us accurate forecasts "On The 8’s"... the whole system is useless.

What every city needs is ONE news team. They can work with the local paper. We can broadcast local stuff like house fires and Old Ladies With 200 Cats on CNN once a day. YOU ARE DONE.

"Hey Ryan!" You say, indignantly, "What about important things like tornadoes and riots and bank robberies and The Chinese Buffet On Nolansville Road With Roaches In It?"

Exactly, answers I.

I fucking hate the local news. That’s all.

To celebrate: here is a FINE link (courtesy of Shelley) of a compilation of all those terrible things that happen to local asshat ’news reporters’ when they try to make their mark on the media map.

Click HERE to see idiots and fuckwads get beat up, scratched, knocked over, dumped on, and almost blown to bits. I swear to god I laugh my fucking ass off every time I see that guy wind up with a lizard on his coat.