Bastards...

Things I say while in line at SubWay, and what the SubWay Employee hears:

WHAT I SAY: I'd like a foot-long turkey on wheat, no cheese.
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: I'd like a foot-long turkey on white, with lots of cheese. Extra, even.

WHAT I SAY: Spicy mustard and lite mayo, please
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: THREE QUARTS of regular yellow mustard and a wad of regular mayonnaise that you can just go ahead and squirt into a ball of ooze in the far right corner of the bun.

WHAT I SAY: Lettuce, tomatoes, banana peppers, onions.
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: three tomatoes and ninety seven pounds of raw, red onions, please.

WHAT I SAY: I don't want it heated.
WHAT THE GUY HEARS: Put it in that oven thingy and forget about it while you serve the WASP with huge fake tits behind me.

Fuck you, SubWay. Fuck you, Jared. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.